Valentine's Day and More...

When I saw this picture I seriously laughed out loud. For years I was in a relationship and all of my single friends would joke that I was celebrating "VD". Then this year...my first one single since I was 20, I get to celebrate "SAD". Haha. It seems fitting though because this year has definitely been a year of change and a lot of "SAD" moments. However, I'm starting to realize more and more each day that I am moving on FINALLY and can actually breathe again. 

When my ex and I broke up back in May, I seriously thought I was going to die. I remember feeling that tightness in my chest and being unable to breathe. I remember crying uncontrollably for weeks and months on end. I'm proud to say that my last cry session was actually back in January and that each day since the last one has been better. There are days that I don't even think about him anymore...and I never thought that would ever happen.

This morning Facebook decided I should want to relive the ghosts of Valentine's Days past...and so I logged in and all of the sweet things I had let fade came rushing back to the forefront. At first I wasn't sure how I would handle it, but at the end of it all, it was nice to remember that he was once a really awesome, sweet, loving, and caring guy. He was the guy I thought I'd spend my life with. But then I remembered that he didn't feel the same way, so I just flipped to the next thing and kept moving on. I didn't get upset. I didn't cry. I didn't even let it bother me. And for that, I'm proud of myself. 

About 5 minutes after I finished 330 squats and 590 crunches

For those of you wondering about how my squat/crunch activity went, I'm proud to say it went great! :) Yes. I did them ALL! I was sore, I was tired, but at the end of the day I was happy I stuck it out and did it. And believe it or not, even though I was sore...I wasn't as sore as I could have been. I'm so grateful for muscle memory. Without it, I'd have been in some major trouble. 

I went to the gym yesterday and got in an hour and a half workout. It felt so good to actually get a good sweat on. I started out on the treadmill and finished Day 1 of C25K and then did about 8 minutes on the elliptical. Then I put on my big girl panties and I finally attempted the 30 minute circuit room...and I LOVED it! You are only allowed to do it once every other day, so when I go to the gym on Tuesday, I'll def be hitting it up again. I would go tomorrow, but my friend Racquel is coming in and we made plans to hang out! She and I haven't seen each other in a LONG time, so this is much needed friend time! I cannot wait! 

As you know, this blog is about finding my happy again. I'm proud to say, I'm well on my way. I saw this as I was looking through Pinterest and it really hit home. I can't think about how many times I've done or said this over and over. I'm now living each day up like it's my last one. I'm taking control of my life and I'm gearing up for an amazing journey. Thank you to each of my readers for being on my journey with me. I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. :) 

Still seeking happy...

Jana

Laissez Le Bon Temps Rouler

On Friday, after a long day at work, I pulled up the hotel and met up with my sister and her best friend, M for a weekend of Mardi Gras fun! We did a little mall shopping and grabbed some dinner before hitting up the shot party with two more of our long lost friends J and her hubby H.

Reunited and it feels so good!

My sister from another mister...

Playing Dress Up

Love these two!

On Saturday, I was fortunate enough to get to go to the Marquis de Lafayette ball in Mobile, AL. This was a major deal for me to do because of the fact that my ex is a member of the organization and he brought the girl he's now dating.

Mardi Gras has always been my thing. Ever since I was a little kid, my family has been very involved in Mardi Gras. When A and I started dating all those years ago, I encouraged him to join the Marquis so we could do Mardi Gras together. When we broke up I expected him to leave the organization. We had talked about it numerous times and decided that after the ball this year, he would resign in good standing so that maybe somewhere in the future he could rejoin when things aren't quite so raw between us. When he informed me he was bringing the girl he'd started dating, there were a lot of emotions that ran through me raging from sadness, to anger, to grief, to full blown insanity. We have only been broken up 9 months and so it's still very hard to be around him and not "feel" things. Almost a decade of dating and loving him isn't something I can just turn off.

 I'm not proud to say that Friday night I was not the nicest and I truly regret that I stooped to that level. I said things I didn't mean and I just felt like their was no other option. I also had a bit of liquid courage aiding in my decisions. It doesn't make it right and I did apologize, but it fell on deaf ears. (So much so that he called my sister today to make sure I wasn't just trying to get him to talk to me when I told him my grandfather was in the hospital.)

After my liquid courage episode on Friday night, I felt very uneasy. All of the whispers and ugly stares coming from him and her didn't help me to ease my feelings. I was just about to not go to the ball at all when my good friend K informed me he had gotten off work early. He encouraged me to come hang with him instead, but my dad asked him to see if he could find a tux and come as my date. In about a 45 minute span of time K was able to find a tux and I went from sad, dateless, and miserable to having a date and actually being a little excited.

K and I have been friends for a little over 4 months and I know he likes me a lot. However, I'm not anywhere near healed enough to make anything official and neither is he. He has a pretty rough story that even I'm not sure of all the details. All I know is we are both two broken people who enjoy each other's company. That gives me piece of mind because I know that he understands what I'm going through.

I got my hair and make-up done by a sweet girl named Kristyn Love. She's from Daphne and very talented. I had no idea how I wanted my makeup so I showed her my dress and let her take it from there. I was very happy with the results.

Needless to say, I felt gorgeous and that just helped raise my self-esteem through the roof. Not to mention, several friends were absolutely stunned that I could clean up that nice. LOL! I felt good about myself and I thought that just maybe I could handle the ball now that I didn't feel quite so crappy. 

It definitely didn't hurt that this guy came with me. He saw me in my dress and his jaw hit the floor. He repeatedly told me how beautiful I was and made me believe it the entire night. 

My cousin and sister came with me too, which was definitely awesome! They are so supportive of me and love me no matter what. 

We didn't look too shabby.

Waiting on Tableau to start

My "twin" as people call her.

Def enjoying myself and my new bling ring.

At the ball I danced, had a few drinks, and enjoyed spending time with my family and my date. I did have to deal with my ex and his gf a few times, but I avoided them as much as possible. As much as I hate to admit it, I still care for him deeply and those are scars that will take time to heal. 

I know I wasn't the nicest person to him and I deeply regret it. Love is the worst feeling in the world, especially when it's not reciprocated. I just hope he knows how truly sorry I am and that if I could take it all back I would. Not so we could end up together, but so we can both move on with no hard feelings. 2016 is supposed to be about starting over and a fresh perspective. I just hope that we can both move on from this and I can just let it all go and move forward for myself. I know I was wrong. And that is one of the hardest things for me to admit. 

After the glitz and glamour of the ball it was back to real life. Here's hoping real life will be kind and things will all work themselves out for the best. 

Here's Hoping,

Jana