Valentine's Day and More...

When I saw this picture I seriously laughed out loud. For years I was in a relationship and all of my single friends would joke that I was celebrating "VD". Then this year...my first one single since I was 20, I get to celebrate "SAD". Haha. It seems fitting though because this year has definitely been a year of change and a lot of "SAD" moments. However, I'm starting to realize more and more each day that I am moving on FINALLY and can actually breathe again. 

When my ex and I broke up back in May, I seriously thought I was going to die. I remember feeling that tightness in my chest and being unable to breathe. I remember crying uncontrollably for weeks and months on end. I'm proud to say that my last cry session was actually back in January and that each day since the last one has been better. There are days that I don't even think about him anymore...and I never thought that would ever happen.

This morning Facebook decided I should want to relive the ghosts of Valentine's Days past...and so I logged in and all of the sweet things I had let fade came rushing back to the forefront. At first I wasn't sure how I would handle it, but at the end of it all, it was nice to remember that he was once a really awesome, sweet, loving, and caring guy. He was the guy I thought I'd spend my life with. But then I remembered that he didn't feel the same way, so I just flipped to the next thing and kept moving on. I didn't get upset. I didn't cry. I didn't even let it bother me. And for that, I'm proud of myself. 

About 5 minutes after I finished 330 squats and 590 crunches

For those of you wondering about how my squat/crunch activity went, I'm proud to say it went great! :) Yes. I did them ALL! I was sore, I was tired, but at the end of the day I was happy I stuck it out and did it. And believe it or not, even though I was sore...I wasn't as sore as I could have been. I'm so grateful for muscle memory. Without it, I'd have been in some major trouble. 

I went to the gym yesterday and got in an hour and a half workout. It felt so good to actually get a good sweat on. I started out on the treadmill and finished Day 1 of C25K and then did about 8 minutes on the elliptical. Then I put on my big girl panties and I finally attempted the 30 minute circuit room...and I LOVED it! You are only allowed to do it once every other day, so when I go to the gym on Tuesday, I'll def be hitting it up again. I would go tomorrow, but my friend Racquel is coming in and we made plans to hang out! She and I haven't seen each other in a LONG time, so this is much needed friend time! I cannot wait! 

As you know, this blog is about finding my happy again. I'm proud to say, I'm well on my way. I saw this as I was looking through Pinterest and it really hit home. I can't think about how many times I've done or said this over and over. I'm now living each day up like it's my last one. I'm taking control of my life and I'm gearing up for an amazing journey. Thank you to each of my readers for being on my journey with me. I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. :) 

Still seeking happy...

Jana

February is here...

Well hello February...

February is typically my favorite month. Mainly because it is the month of my birth and I enjoy celebrating things. It's also the month my Granny Nell, Mom, and Dad were born, so of course it's pretty busy for the most part. Most importantly, Mardi Gras is typically going on until then as well so there are lots of parades and functions to participate in. 

My February has been pretty crazy the last 10 days and it is blowing my mind that the month is almost half over! We are only 14 days from my birthday at the moment and have already celebrated my Granny and my Mom's b'days as well as Mardi Gras. It seems that 2016 is off to a quick start. 

On Sunday of this week I went to Joe Cain Day with my sister and 2 of my cousins. It's a day full of parades and craziness. It was pretty chilly and I was surprised that nobody wanted to go home before we finished parading for the day. We got to downtown Mobile around 10am and paraded until almost 5. We decided to skip the 6pm parade because 1. We were starving and 2. We had more throws than we knew what to do with. We called it a day and trekked back to our car before heading to my cousins house to divvy up the throws. :) 

Monday I met up with my friend Joylyn and we walked a 10k at the track across the street from my house. She had never done more than 3 miles at one time, so when she realized we had finished a 10k she was in shock...and also sore! LOL! I also started back on my supplements that have been helping me with weight loss. They are all natural and I have really benefited from taking them. (I'll post more about that later.)

On Tuesday, AKA Fat Tuesday, we went parading again. This time it was me and Chelsea with 2 of our other cousins. We got there for the 10:30 parade and left around 1:30-ish. We stopped by K's to visit and ended up staying until almost 9pm. (Oops) It was a good visit and I left in a great mood. 

That leads us into today. Today I  started the day working on school stuff, then spent the afternoon with my sister and my friend Kelly. We grabbed lunch around 11:30 and then hit up some shopping until roughly 2. I got some new clothes for the gym and some MUCH needed compression socks. I can't wait to use them after a good workout! 

I'm also apparently a glutton for punishment because I posted the following picture on my facebook and now I'm responsible for 330 squats and 590 sit ups (or crunches as I'm going to do). This is going to make me super sore, but I know it will all be worth it in the end! :) 

I'll keep you posted on my progress...

Jana

January is Over...Now what?

Wow...January is over. That was probably the quickest month ever! Here is a short recap of what I've done:

1. Set goals for the new year.
2. Ran 10 miles of a half marathon in Disney World.
3. Enjoyed time with my college roomie.
4. Went to a Mardi Gras Ball.
5. Joined a gym.
6. Tried something new- solo (yes, I went by MYSELF) mani/pedi with powder manicure instead of polish (LOVE!!!!)
7. Spent time with family.
8. Caught up on everything I was behind on.
9. Made progress towards moving on with my life.
10. Saw a friend off on her new adventure in Colorado.

It's hard to believe that this month is already over. Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was partying it up with my friend Kelly on New Year's Eve and we were setting our goals for the year. I'm proud to say I'm well on my way to accomplishing some of them!

Things in the relationship world are getting better. I've been spending more time with K and we are starting to get to know each other even better than we ever have. He's been sharing things with me and we are starting to develop some sort of "feelings" for each other. I can't say it is anywhere near love, but it's a special bond we share. I have also been working out my feelings with my ex. We finally spoke and got everything out in the open. I'm finally starting to realize that as bad as this breakup has hurt me, it has been a blessing in disguise because I'm finally getting to find Jana again and things that I had long forgotten I enjoyed, I'm finally doing again.

I have found that going to the gym alone and doing things by myself isn't quite as bad as I had anticipated they would be. I still have yet to go to a restaurant and eat alone, but I'm hoping that maybe I'll be brave enough to do that soon. We shall see. :)

Other than that, life has been good to me and I cannot complain in the least. One month down, 11 to go.

Finding my happiness again...
Jana

Laissez Le Bon Temps Rouler

On Friday, after a long day at work, I pulled up the hotel and met up with my sister and her best friend, M for a weekend of Mardi Gras fun! We did a little mall shopping and grabbed some dinner before hitting up the shot party with two more of our long lost friends J and her hubby H.

Reunited and it feels so good!

My sister from another mister...

Playing Dress Up

Love these two!

On Saturday, I was fortunate enough to get to go to the Marquis de Lafayette ball in Mobile, AL. This was a major deal for me to do because of the fact that my ex is a member of the organization and he brought the girl he's now dating.

Mardi Gras has always been my thing. Ever since I was a little kid, my family has been very involved in Mardi Gras. When A and I started dating all those years ago, I encouraged him to join the Marquis so we could do Mardi Gras together. When we broke up I expected him to leave the organization. We had talked about it numerous times and decided that after the ball this year, he would resign in good standing so that maybe somewhere in the future he could rejoin when things aren't quite so raw between us. When he informed me he was bringing the girl he'd started dating, there were a lot of emotions that ran through me raging from sadness, to anger, to grief, to full blown insanity. We have only been broken up 9 months and so it's still very hard to be around him and not "feel" things. Almost a decade of dating and loving him isn't something I can just turn off.

 I'm not proud to say that Friday night I was not the nicest and I truly regret that I stooped to that level. I said things I didn't mean and I just felt like their was no other option. I also had a bit of liquid courage aiding in my decisions. It doesn't make it right and I did apologize, but it fell on deaf ears. (So much so that he called my sister today to make sure I wasn't just trying to get him to talk to me when I told him my grandfather was in the hospital.)

After my liquid courage episode on Friday night, I felt very uneasy. All of the whispers and ugly stares coming from him and her didn't help me to ease my feelings. I was just about to not go to the ball at all when my good friend K informed me he had gotten off work early. He encouraged me to come hang with him instead, but my dad asked him to see if he could find a tux and come as my date. In about a 45 minute span of time K was able to find a tux and I went from sad, dateless, and miserable to having a date and actually being a little excited.

K and I have been friends for a little over 4 months and I know he likes me a lot. However, I'm not anywhere near healed enough to make anything official and neither is he. He has a pretty rough story that even I'm not sure of all the details. All I know is we are both two broken people who enjoy each other's company. That gives me piece of mind because I know that he understands what I'm going through.

I got my hair and make-up done by a sweet girl named Kristyn Love. She's from Daphne and very talented. I had no idea how I wanted my makeup so I showed her my dress and let her take it from there. I was very happy with the results.

Needless to say, I felt gorgeous and that just helped raise my self-esteem through the roof. Not to mention, several friends were absolutely stunned that I could clean up that nice. LOL! I felt good about myself and I thought that just maybe I could handle the ball now that I didn't feel quite so crappy. 

It definitely didn't hurt that this guy came with me. He saw me in my dress and his jaw hit the floor. He repeatedly told me how beautiful I was and made me believe it the entire night. 

My cousin and sister came with me too, which was definitely awesome! They are so supportive of me and love me no matter what. 

We didn't look too shabby.

Waiting on Tableau to start

My "twin" as people call her.

Def enjoying myself and my new bling ring.

At the ball I danced, had a few drinks, and enjoyed spending time with my family and my date. I did have to deal with my ex and his gf a few times, but I avoided them as much as possible. As much as I hate to admit it, I still care for him deeply and those are scars that will take time to heal. 

I know I wasn't the nicest person to him and I deeply regret it. Love is the worst feeling in the world, especially when it's not reciprocated. I just hope he knows how truly sorry I am and that if I could take it all back I would. Not so we could end up together, but so we can both move on with no hard feelings. 2016 is supposed to be about starting over and a fresh perspective. I just hope that we can both move on from this and I can just let it all go and move forward for myself. I know I was wrong. And that is one of the hardest things for me to admit. 

After the glitz and glamour of the ball it was back to real life. Here's hoping real life will be kind and things will all work themselves out for the best. 

Here's Hoping,

Jana

The Happiest Place on Earth: Part 3

Saturday after my race...and the night before B would run her marathon, we had the pleasure of eating at a character dinner at the Grand Floridian resort in Disney. The character dinner we chose was the Cinderella one and it was as much fun as it sounds. B had us shirts made with pictures of the step sisters on them that say "And We'll Never Be Royals". They were a huge hit!

On our way to the character dinner

Whoa Nelly! Just a few of the delicious desserts they had to offer! B and I both agreed that the cannoli and the chocolate mousse were our favorites.

After a delicious dinner full of amazing desserts and an all you can eat buffet style meal, we rode the monorail back to the main area where we would catch the bus back to the resort. We chose to eat fairly early so B would have plenty of time to sleep and so that I could rest up from my race. We were tired from flying in the day prior as well, so it was much needed. 

On Monday, we were up bright and early. The weather was really cool, which was very surprising so we found ourselves donning our hoodies and closed toed shoes to keep our feet warm. We spent our first day of park time in Magic Kingdom and we closed it down after seeing Wishes, which is an impressive firework display. The last time we had been in Disney, we had been standing behind the castle, so we missed a lot of the important parts. It was nice to have a good place to view it from. 

For me, B and I had a great day and we ate and rode rides and walked out our soreness. Overall it was an amazing day! The best part, in my opinion, was actually on the bus ride home when everyone busted out singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Can't go wrong with that song. 

Walking into Magic Kingdom early to go eat at Be Our Guest

 Had to get a picture in front of the castle in our "bling"

 One of our many bus rides of the day

Tea Cups! 

 Taking a Break!

 Showing off my new Mickey sunglasses

When B heard I'd never ridden in Dumbo, we remedied it immediately. And I got this super cute picture in the stationary Dumbo they had next to the ride. 

 The castle lighting during "Wishes"

 Another view of the castle during "Wishes"

On Tuesday we got up early again so we could hit up a character breakfast in Animal Kingdom. I was pretty excited, but also sad because I knew I was flying out that afternoon. And honestly, there is no sadder feeling than leaving the Disney bubble. We decided we would make the most of the day and we did! We even managed to squeeze in 2 rides on Expedition Everest...which was the best thing ever! 

Before I left our resort I had to take a picture in the giant 80' sign! I am an 80's baby afterall! :) 

 The Tree of Life in Animal Kingdom

 I was so excited to be at the character breakfast! 

Donald was so sweet! When he signed B's race bib he wrote that he was #1!

Mickey was pretty cool too. He gave me a big hug!

Goofy was sweet as they come!

Daisy is one character I had never met, so I was pretty excited when she came to our table.

And then she attack kissed me...which was hilarious!

Gearing up for ride #1 on Expedition Everest

We survived ride #1 and hit it again for ride #2!

At the end of our day in Animal Kingdom, around 1pm, we loaded the bus and headed back to the resort. My flight didn't leave until 7:30pm, but I had to catch the bus to the airport at 4:30pm. We got back to the resort and grabbed a quick bite before hitting the room for a quick nap. After my nap was over I gathered my belongings and walked to the front of the resort to catch the Disney Magical Express to the airport. 

B and I sitting at the bus stop waiting on the Disney Magical Express

When the bus arrived I hugged B goodbye and loaded up on the bus. I sadly waved goodbye to Mickey as we drove out of the Disney bubble and headed towards the airport. 2 flights later I arrived home around midnight, just in time to sleep for 5 hours before having to be at work. 

Needless to say, the trip was well worth being tired and it was nice to be happy for a little while. I need more moments like that and less feeling terrible. I know those days are coming. I just need to be patient. 

Always seeking more happy,

Jana

The Happiest Place on Earth: Part 2

After the whirlwind decision to attempt the Disney Half Marathon on Saturday, I woke up at 2:30AM on Sunday with Brittany in hopes of giving her some encouragement for her full marathon she was running that day. I was wide awake and we just had some small talk. I knew she was nervous and I didn't want to add on any fear. I snapped a quick pic of her and sent her on her way. She was going to load the bus and take the same trek I had. She was in corral M, so she was in the corral directly in front of where I had been the previous day.

I had signed up for tracking so I could track her run and know where she was as she got to each major area. I laid down after she left knowing that her race would't start for a few hours. I woke up at 6:10AM to a text telling me she had begun. I decided I could nap for a few more minutes and went back to sleep.

When I woke up again it was to the first message telling me she was at mile 5! She had already run 5 miles! That was insane. I checked her pace and it was obvious she was making good time! I yelled a cheer and proceeded to get up and moving for the day. The remainder of my day continued in the same manner. A random text message making me jump and excitement of seeing where she was in conjunction to her pace.

I was so nervous that I was cleaning the room and trying to keep myself busy. I got the text that she was at mile 20 and I knew she was only a 10K away from finishing this goal she had set for herself. I knew at that point that no matter what, she would finish. As the text telling me she finished came through, I received the following picture:

Brittany holding her finishers medal for the full marathon!

I was so excited and I actually started crying because I was so proud of her. I text her back and told her to hurry back and her lunch was on me. She came back, showered, and we enjoyed some meatball subs and a cupcake. We then spent the rest of the afternoon and evening just relaxing in the room and recovering. We had planned a fun-filled day in Disney the next day and soreness be damned we were going to do it. 

B relaxing in bed after finishing her marathon. (She had one major runners high!)

My friend Marianne also popped in for a visit while we were there! It was so good to see her again! 

That night neither of us had trouble sleeping. We were both full of happiness from the day and there was no greater feeling than the feeling that everything that happened, happened for a reason. 

Happiness is the best,

Jana

The Happiest Place on Earth

So...I did a thing...

A thing I didn't tell anyone about until after I was already there to do the thing...

The thing that had been planned for over a year and I didn't mention it to anyone in hopes they wouldn't remember in case I failed yet again...

The thing that made me one of the happiest girls in the world because regardless of my failure of said thing...I still accomplished a great deal more than I ever thought I could or would. 

Hopefully by this time I have your attention enough to tell you what "thing" I'm talking about. I'm talking about running in the Disney Half Marathon in Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL.

Last year in February I attempted the Princess Half Marathon in Disney. I trained for it and on race day I wasn't able to make it much further than 12K before I got swept off the course by the elusive "Balloon Ladies" I was sad and devastated to say the least, and having a boyfriend who made me feel bad about myself for not finishing only added to the devastation. I lost all confidence in myself that day and it really took a toll on my running after that point. I couldn't motivate myself anymore. I let myself go. All the work I had put in over the last 8 months had been for nothing. I was nothing. I was a failure. 

The decision to get up and run that morning had not come very easily. I had a lot of encouragement from my friend Brittany who was there to run the full marathon. She told me I didn't have to run, but she didn't want me to regret not doing it later. She left the decision up to me. So at 2:30AM, I was up getting dressed and ready to catch the bus to the race. 

Dressed as "Wendy" to Brittany's "Peter Pan"

I rode to the starting line by myself. I sat alone on the bus and I just let my thoughts run wild. "What happens if I don't finish again?" "Could I finish with almost no training?" "Why am I so scared?" I didn't have the answers, but I knew I was supposed to be at that race regardless. 

Fast forward to the present and I was struggling to breathe as I walked to corral N for my race. I followed the familiar path to the same corral I had been in the year before. I felt the same twinge of fear as I had when I hadn't finished the year before. I could feel those same feelings creeping up and I forced myself to swallow them down so they wouldn't consume me. 

When I got to my corral I immediately moved as far to the front as I could. I had learned from my previous race you wanted to be as close to the front of your corral as possible so that you could get a good start. The further back in the corral, the less time you would have on the course. I found a spot almost next to the starting line of the corral and sat down. That's where I met Kaitlyn. She was 22 and it was her very first half marathon. Her boyfriend was in Corral E and he had lost over 200lbs through diet and exercise. She herself had lost 75 with his encouragement and she had trained with him for the race. We struck up a conversation and I filled her in on everything I knew about the race, including the balloon ladies. 

We started running around 6:15AM and around mile 4 I could tell she wasn't feeling it. I slowed down my pace to offer some encouragement. I told her at mile 6 we would be running into Magic Kingdom and she HAD to make it there. As we passed mile 5, her boyfriend passed us running towards the finish! She was so excited to see him that she picked up her speed. She and I were going to do this! By this point I was dealing with severe blisters on the balls of my feet. I continued to push through the pain because I knew I could do it if I could get back up to speed. 

The rest of my race was a back and forth between "Ouch my foot hurts" and "Keep going, we got this" Kaitlyn thanked me repeatedly for sticking with her and at almost the 15K mark, we were finally unable to maintain the pace anymore and were swept from the course. For me, being swept wasn't a huge deal. I had done it before. I knew you still got your medal and I knew that no matter what I had beaten my previous distance by almost 2 miles. The first time I got swept and got my medal I was ashamed to wear it because I didn't feel I had deserved it, but this time I felt completely different. I was up at 2:30AM to do something most people wouldn't even try...and I ALMOST finished! I wore that medal with pride and a smile. 

When we got back to the starting area (they bus you back) we received our medals and a box of snacks. I wasn't feeling really well by the time we got back and prayed the entire time back to the resort I wasn't going to be sick. (I did end up getting sick later on in the day, but I think I pushed myself too hard and didn't hydrate enough.)

Brittany was such an amazing encourager and she made sure I felt good about myself and about what I had accomplished. I did more this time than I did last time AND I didn't train. I rewarded myself with a shower and a nap while B went to the expo to get her race packet. We spent the rest of the day relaxing, eating, and letting me recover. 

I can't explain how happy I felt at the moment that I got my medal. I was overcome with emotion. Not because I didn't finish, but because I had the courage to try. I didn't give up and I didn't let "me" get in my head. It was a feeling of healing and a feeling of power. It's a feeling I hope to feel again when I finally do accomplish my very first half marathon. 

Off to find some more happy...

Jana

Day 2: Setting Goals for Happiness

This quote brings me a lot of comfort. At 29 (almost 30) it is a scary feeling to feel like you are "starting over". To go from having everything figured out to being thrust into feelings of inadequacy and fear. I went from knowing (or thinking I knew) what I wanted to being completely confused and feeling out of control. 

Goal setting is one of my favorite things to do because you can set goals for the short term or the long term. For the near future or the distant future. The world becomes your playground with an infinite amount of possibilities. 

The goals I am setting this year are specifically designed to help me reach my ultimate level of happiness. Not only allowing me to be happy, but to allow me to help others be happy as well. And hopefully to find an overall happier sense of being.

Goal 1: Get a gym membership

This seems cliche'. I know, I know, but the reasoning behind this go a lot deeper than the typical "New Year, New Me" nonsense that you see in January. This particular goal is to give me an outlet to work out any stress I may have pent up, to allow me to feel better about myself, and to allow me to spend time with people outside of work or home. My cousin, Loren, mentioned that she wanted to get a gym membership, but would only actually go if someone would agree to go with her. I instantly felt the pull that I should be that person. Being 12 years older than her, I see her more as a little sister than a cousin and I enjoy getting to spend time with her. I'm closer in age to her older sisters, so she and I are not as close as I am with the older ones. I'd like to use this time to get to know her better and spend some major quality time, all the while getting myself into better shape and letting go of all the hurt I have had bottled up. (I've also always been told that the best revenge is to show them what they are missing out on.)

***Goal 1 is underway. I am now a proud black card holder at Planet Fitness***

Goal 2: Try something new once a month

I am a creature of habit. I tend to eat at the same places, go to the same places, and very rarely break routine of any kind. I also tend to not do things if I have to go alone. I don't know what it is about me, but I find comfort being surrounded by other people. Now don't get me wrong, I am open to most things..but not when I have to go alone. However, it's time I take action and stop missing out on things because I feel self conscious about being alone. There are  a lot of people in the same boat and I am no longer going to let that fear keep me from doing new things. I want to try something new once a month, whether it be a restaurant, going to a new store, trying a new food, lipstick, clothing item, etc. One new thing a month will open me up to 12 new things in a year. It's time I embraced it. 

Goal 3: Stop Dwelling in the Past: It only destroys my future

This is more of a personal goal for myself because I tend to harbor feelings inside and I rarely say things. I keep it bottled up and replay it over and over again looking for a new ending or solution. This is not only unhealthy, but it keeps me from trusting people and building new relationships. I have got to let go of the past so I can move on into my future.

Goal 4: Say something nice to someone everyday (and mean it)

My parents always taught me to be nice to people. To compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. It comes naturally to me to talk and make conversation with people, even when I really don't want to. However, sometimes when I feel like there is too much silence I will compliment someone just to make conversation and won't mean it. I hate doing that and I want to make sure when I say something nice it's because I mean it, not to just make conversation. 

Goal 5: It's okay to say "NO" sometimes

I am a very nice person and everyone who knows me would consider me helpful. However, this does not work out to my advantage because sometimes I get taken advantage of because I feel like I can't say no. I'll kill myself trying to do for others and a lot of times I get the short end of the stick. I know I need to work on saying "No" and asserting my authority and meaning it. This is the time to do it. 

These are just a few of the goals I have set for myself. Of course there are many more I'm not ready to share, but I think that this is a good start. What are YOUR goals for the new year? Share with me in the comments. I'd love to have some new ideas. 

Meeting Goals and Taking Names,

Jana

Day 1: Setting Myself Up for Happy

After the eventful night out for New Year's, I left Biloxi and headed home to have lunch with my family. We enjoyed fried porkchops, black-eyed peas, cornbread, collards, and macaroni and cheese. All of the traditional "good luck" foods. I made sure to eat plenty of collards (money) and peas (luck) because I could use an extra dose of those in the new year.

After visiting with the family I ended up in my room watching Pop Up Videos and working on my New Years Resolutions. I know it seems cliche, but making resolutions actually helps me to focus on a task. I change up my goals monthly, but resolutions are something to persist at the entire year through. If you know me personally, you know that I am one of those people who makes lists...for everything! So why should this be any different?

Resolution for the year: 

Yes, you read that correctly. My resolution is to just be happy again. No strings attached, no special diet necessary, no nothing other than just doing whatever it is that will make me completely happy. 

Now don't get me wrong, I've got other GOALS in mind, but only one resolution. And I honestly feel like this resolution is going to take some time to meet. It's time to be selfish and focus on me for a change. It's time for me to regain the confidence and happiness I've lost over the last year. And it's time for me to make myself a priority. It's time I finally find my happy again.

Here's to Searching,

Jana

Finding My Happy: A Back Story

Today began a brand new year. A brand new 365 days to make changes and to try harder to become the person I have always wanted to be. A chance to let all of the old things go and focus on the new things that life has in store.

If I'm honest, my 2015 was less than stellar. I started my new year crying my eyes out because my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years was out with other people (I was working) and then didn't want to come see me to ring in the new year because it was "inconvenient and selfish" of me to ask him to do that. I woke up that morning to flowers and an apology, but the words still burned. Moving forward to February, I got swept off the course of my first half marathon and then listened to said boyfriend whine about how I didn't give it my all and that he was disappointed in me...all the while we are in Disney and he "didn't want to be there". On top of all of the bad going on in my relationship, I was dealing with a job I was miserable at. So much so that I was drinking heavily to cope and was suffering panic attacks and severe anxiety as a result.

I made the decision to leave my job at the end of the school year and was met with arguments from my family and significant other because I didn't have another job lined up. This only added to the growing dread I had. Then it all finally culminated on May 5, 2015 when my boyfriend of almost 9 years decided it was time to part ways. I was completely blindsided and found myself destroyed.

I was miserable, sad, and had gained close to 50lbs. I felt like I had no one to talk to and that nobody could understand the pain I was feeling. I had also turned in my job resignation and a 60 day notice to my apartment complex. Now I had to be ready to move, find a new job, and pack up 9 years of memories of a man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement. It was probably the lowest period of my life I can recall.

I moved back home with my parents in July and was grateful to find a new job that has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It seemed like things were starting to finally look up and I was going to be okay, but that's when my ex moved closer and he asked that I come around. We began to work on reconciling, but that all ended when he started dating a girl from his hometown. Needless to say, I was sad, heartbroken, and devastated. And I just couldn't heal the way I knew I needed to.

I went on a few dates in hopes that it would help me move on, but when you are with someone for 9 years, you have a hard time accepting someone else. I have thankfully met a wonderful man who has two sweet little girls, but right now we are only friends. Neither of us are quite ready for any kind of commitment. I'm keeping my options open and am looking forward to finding a love for the ages. The next man I date seriously will hopefully be the one I am lucky enough to marry.

Let's move on to present day...

Last night I rang in 2016 with one of my best friends! We went to the Beau Rivage in Biloxi, MS and saw the Molly Ringwalds. (80's cover band) We sang, we danced, and we toasted with champagne at midnight. It was the first time I can remember being genuinely happy in a long time. We both yelled "Suck it 2015" as the clock struck midnight. I felt so free at that moment and I knew that everything would be okay. 2016 is going to be my year!

I'm looking forward to what 2016 has in store and to leaving all the hurt and disappointments of 2015 in the past.

Cheers,
Jana